safely

safely: not in a state of defense

That’s what we mean when we say safely divergent—not just divergent, but divergent in a way that isn’t constantly costing us our peace. A way of being that feels steady, supported, and aligned.

What does safe feel like?

Let’s start with some real-world examples:

Examples of regulation:

• Social and connected
• Clear thoughts
• Present in the moment
• Flexible thinking
• Steady heart rate
  Deep, full breaths
  
  

Non-examples (aka states of defense):

• Hypervigilant or anxious
• Mobilized and overwhelmed
• Rigid or reactive thinking
• Racing heart
• Shallow breathing
• Busy, scattered mind
• Feeling disconnected
• Inability to get motivated
  
  

Dysregulated: States of Defense

Because of our synaptic pruning style and our bottom-up way of processing the world, neurodivergent people can be more easily tipped into these states of defense. And let’s be real—it’s exhausting. Dysregulation often shows up as disconnection, emotional overwhelm, burnout, or total shutdown.

The thing is: everyone has a stress response. It’s one of the most essential things keeping us alive. But to work with it, we have to first recognize it. So let’s break it down.

Fight / Flight

In these states, your emotional brain (aka the limbic system) takes the wheel.

What you might notice:

• Your voice becomes higher-pitched and more monotone, lacking rhythm
• Breathing gets rapid and shallow
• Heart starts racing
• Digestion slows (your body reallocates resources to help you escape danger)
  
  

Signs of a FIGHT response might include:

• Physical expressions like hitting, kicking, clenched fists
• Meltdowns or outbursts
• Excessive talking or interrupting
• Harsh tone or defensive body language
• A strong need for control, rigidity, or stubbornness
  
  

Signs of a FLIGHT response might include:

• Avoiding certain people or situations altogether
• Perfectionism or overfunctioning
• Anxiety, restlessness, or that constant low hum of dread
• Taking on more than you can realistically handle
  
  

Freeze

Sometimes, we move past fight or flight and into freeze. This is a deeper level of shutdown, often misunderstood by others (and ourselves).

In freeze:

• Your voice may go quiet, shaky, or flat
• Heart rate slows, and you may hold your breath
• Digestion can turn all the way off
• You might feel lightheaded or disconnected from your body
• It may look like laziness—but it’s protective withdrawal
  
  

Freeze responses can look like:

• Zoning out, daydreaming, or dissociating
• Difficulty making decisions
• Feeling numb or emotionally detached
• An overwhelming sense of “I just can’t”
  
  

Remember: none of these responses are wrong.
They’re not character flaws.
They’re your body doing what it was built to do—keep you safe from perceived danger.

The key isn’t to eliminate these reactions, but to notice:

• How often we flip into them
• How long we stay there
• And what helps us return to safety
  
  

Regulated, Safe

Where we want to spend most of our time—and where we function best—is in a regulated state.

What that looks and feels like:

• Your voice has prosody—tone, rhythm, pacing, and emotional variation
• Heartbeat is steady
• Breathing is full and effortless
• Digestion works like it’s supposed to (no emergency alerts!)
• And most importantly: your frontal lobe is online and in charge
  
  

When our frontal lobe is leading, we gain access to:

• Emotional regulation
• Clear decision-making
• Focus and attention
• Planning, memory, and flexible thinking
  
  

In this state, we’re calm, grounded, and connected. We can actually respond to life, rather than react.

If that feels out of reach for you—you’re not alone.

We’ve been there. And honestly, we still find ourselves in deep dysregulation from time to time. But the difference now? We know how to come back. We know what helps. And the rollercoaster rides are fewer and far less intense.

That’s the magic of nervous system tools.
That’s the power of regulation.
And that’s what we want for you, too.

The journey to becoming safely divergent is about more than just identifying what makes us different. It’s about learning to regulate, to reconnect, and to actually live like we love who we are.

Not someday.
Not once we “get it all together.”
But right now, as we are.

shine bright, be you 

♥︎